Last Monday was the hardest day of my whole life.
Halfway through my email time, I get called downstairs by the doctor. I go down into his office and he starts telling me how the treatment for what I have will take months, we live in a third world country with horrible medical care, and that I can't really live a missionary schedule because of it. Reality sets in and he tells me there are three options. Either I choose to go home to get better and rest up before I start school in the fall, or I stay here for two weeks and they can't figure out whats wrong with me and they send me home, or they send me back to the field and I just go on feeling the same way I do now except it will probably get worse. I was in tears. I never realized it could or would go this far. But at the end of the day, I know that I'm not well enough to be a full-time regular missionary. I feel sick when I go outside. I'm sick. I can't work like a missionary should because I'm physically unable. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. He told me to pray about it and get back to him.
I left his office by myself to walk back upstairs and Elder K, a senior missionary in charge of the MRC, sees me crying and stops me. He pulls me into his office and has me tell him everything the doctor said. I keep crying. He tells me the same thing and tries to comfort me but I'm just in turmoil. He tells me I need to pray about it. But I did. The night before, Sister Delgado and I sang hymns, and I prayed the hardest I've ever prayed in my whole life. I felt something, but I was too stubborn to admit it. I denied it and went on thinking I'm going back to Legazpi. I straight up lied to Sister Delgado when she asked me how I felt after the prayer. I fought it SO hard. I was a nuisance. But the Spirit softened my heart in the meeting with Elder K and I was kind of gripping things.
I can't deny the peace and comfort I had felt the night before when I asked our Father in Heaven what His will was for me. I finally told Elder K of that experience and we talked through it and I decided that I'm going home. The decision to go home is harder to make than the decision to stay. I would've never wanted this. I wanted to serve for 18 months, but the thing is, this isn't my mission. It's the Lord's. He's only asking one year from me. I will never be able to deny the feelings and the comfort I felt as I prayed to Him and as things have come together.
But even with such a spiritual influence, I got scared and doubted myself. President Guanzon called me and we talked. I asked him if I could come back and finish my mission and maybe work in the office or something if I had to. He said we could figure something out. I go back to my email thinking I'm going back to Legazpi. Then Elder K comes up to me with an email from President Guanzon that says I'm going home. I cry again and I'm freaking out. Elder K simply said something along the lines of how I can't keep going back and forth and I need to make a decision. That's when I asked for a priesthood blessing.
We go into Elder K's office and he gives me a blessing. The first thing he says in my blessing is how my Father in Heaven and Savior love me. The Spirit filled the room. He goes on speaking and says that my answer will be found in my patriarchal blessing. He gives one of the most beautiful blessings I've ever received and closes. Of course I immediately run to my room and pray again and read my patriarchal blessing. I have never cried so hard in my whole life. Sister Delgado walks into our room and asks me what is going on. I tell her through sobs and we both look at my patriarchal blessing just laying on my bed. I already know my answer. I had read about halfway through my blessing at this point, but I already knew what the answer was. My answer is found at the end of my blessing. I quoted it to Sister Delgado without even reading it and I felt the strongest peace in my heart. The Spirit was so strong. At that point, I just submitted. I know this is God's will. You can't fight His will.
I'm sick of being afraid of what people will think when I go home. I'm sick of caring what other people think at all. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I have given everything I have to my mission. The Lord is proud of me. I have served and completed the mission that the Lord wanted me to serve here in the Philippines. Now, I'll just go home and I'll never stop being a disciple of Jesus Christ and I'll never stop sharing the Gospel because I have been truly converted in the past year. I'm never leaving. God has a plan. I know, for one reason or another, I need to be home now. This is just my new mission call.
The MRC has been a blessing in that I've been able to get a grips more and be able to understand what's actually going to happen. I've been able to do a few sessions in the temple and spend a lot of time in the scriptures. General Conference was the icing on the cake. Everything is just giving me peace since that day I decided. I know this is God's plan. I'm ready to just submit my will to His and focus on just that.
At this point we're just waiting for the country to release my visa and passport so that I can fly home.
Thank you to everyone for your love and support throughout my mission. I've absolutely loved my time in the Philippines and all of the things I've learned here. I've fallen in love with these people and I've changed so much here. I love my Savior and my Father in Heaven and I'm beyond grateful that I did get a year to be a missionary for Them.